Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
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You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Catercrombie & Fish
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”