I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
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Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Support your local cemetery
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.