Our lord and savoury.
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[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”
Alexa: *cackles maniacally*
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?