Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
You Might Also Like
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Why font matters.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?