*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
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Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.