My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
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LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Get your kindergartener a watch so you know what time it is every minute you are together for at least a week please tell me it’s not longer than a week
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…