“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
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If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Jupiter
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Get off my horse you stupid moon