Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
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“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time