[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
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If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Meow