A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
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Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.