And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
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Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.