girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
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Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
back to work
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
Body by sandwich.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”