*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
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a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I don’t make the rules sorry
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter