Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
At least he brought enough for everyone
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.