The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
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PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.