Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
You Might Also Like
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
doing some research
“We just want to find someone who will-”
*sly grin* -Finish our sentences?
“Exactly.”
-death row inmates
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!