“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
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Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.