If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
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Me trying to walk in a dream
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.