At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time