Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
You Might Also Like
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Finally!
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Shoo shoo! 😂
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight