If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
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Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”