I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
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Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
The options really are this bad
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.