Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
You Might Also Like
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Only a mother’s love …
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!