Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
You Might Also Like
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.