I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
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in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
Nice try, poison.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”