Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
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5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Love is always patient and kind.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?