My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
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They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man