I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
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I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Always
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?