I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
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I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*