*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
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Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
my retirement plan is braless
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.