Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
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I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.