About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
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I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan