My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
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[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
*skinny dips into black hole
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.