Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
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The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
inside you are two wolves
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place