I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
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security at the airport getting more straightforward
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Probably my best painting.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too