[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
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Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
kitchen magnet
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
DOOO EEEET
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Just a bush.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.