Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
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You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before