[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That鈥檚 cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flamb茅?
ME: I’ve flamb茅d your soup
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I鈥檒l be a wombat.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn鈥檛 a planet anymore lol
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
He is just living hist best little life 馃槉
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
subtitles are so good nowadays
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they鈥檙e worldwide.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive鈥攕top, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires