My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
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[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Sunday
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”