I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
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No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.