my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
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Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.