I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
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Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.