Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I feel like one of these would kill a European
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
? 💀
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?