I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
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i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?