Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
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‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit