[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
I didn’t come here to be called names
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
stand with me against insufficient seating
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.