Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
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Still cracks me up
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit