I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
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PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
My wedding will be open casket.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread