Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Free him
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Alexa: *deep breath*
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
Covid like
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.