First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
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One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”